How Women Kill Relationships
The complete title to this section is:
Women, who act predominantly out of Nurturing Instinct,
instinctively behave in ways that kill the intimacy
between themselves and their partners,
which results in the end of their relationships.
Unfortunately, they have absolutely no awareness that they are doing it.
Women who act primarily out of Nurturing Instinct are instinctively attracted to partners who act primarily out of Warrior Instinct.
This attraction guarantees the survival and safety of their children, which is why these two have been instinctively attracted to each other for millions of years. But, it also guarantees that their relationships will suffer and fail. Warrior and Nurturing Instincts are survival instincts, they help our species to survive. They do not help us to be happy. Our Gathering and Worker Instincts help us to be happy.
When you are in relationship with a woman who acts primarily out of Nurturing Instinct, you will be assigned 3 attributes:
Try as you may, you will end up being labeled as one of these.
Women who act primarily out of Nurturing Instinct are constantly judging and teaching. They are instinctively motivated to guide and teach their children as they grow.
Often, they are unable to turn this instinct off when interacting with their adult partner,
then they will judge them also, and try to teach them.
If you are in a relationship with this woman, this can make you feel like you are being treated like a child, not as an equal, but someone less intelligent, less aware or less experienced than them.
This can feel like she is telling you that you are stupid.
When you respond to this negative judgement out of anger, she will not validate your feelings. She will question your feelings, as though perhaps she knows better than you do what you are actually feeling. This makes you look like you are crazy because you apparently don't know what you are really feeling, and need her to tell you. This makes you FEEL crazy too, because you absolutely DO know what you are feeling!
You, however, are expected to validate her feelings, and if you don't then you will be labeled an asshole.
Every time you get labeled as idiot, asshole or crazy, it puts a block to intimacy between you.
Imagine a brick that sits on the ground between two people. One brick you can easily step over, a few, not so bad, but you must get over all these bricks to be close to her. The more bricks that get piled up, the harder it is to get over them, you are constantly stubbing your toe on them or tripping. After a while, you just give up. It's too much effort.
And then she will complain that you are not as close as you used to be. And this will, of course, be your fault, since she is unable to see her own behavior or the effect that it has on other people. And so then you will become an asshole for this.
Step by step, incident by incident,
she is putting blocks to intimacy between you until the intimacy is dead,
and the relationship is over.
A female who acts primarily out of Nurturing Instinct can undergo a personality change when she starts to have children. She becomes focused on the health, safety, and education of her children.
Children learn by repetition. When they play outside, they need to be reminded to wipe their feet and wash their hands so that it becomes second nature to them. Some of these Nurturers however, don't have an on/off switch on this behavior, and may turn to their adult partner and talk to them in the same way. Someone who acts primarily out of Nurturing Instinct often initiates conversation from the assumption that others need their help.
This can cause problems with their partners.
When they first started dating, they probably conversed like two adults. Now, she is talking down to them. This same woman is reminding them to wipe their feet every time they walk in the door. Gradually she has changed, and now she talks to her partner as though they were also a child. Her Instinct is in control.
And, her partner may react angrily: "Hey, who are you talking to? I'm not a child, I'm a full grown adult just like you. Do you think I have suddenly gone stupid and don't remember to wipe my feet any more?" What has happened to that great person they married who used to think they was at least as smart as her? She has become a mother, and her Nurturing Instinct is in charge.
And, when you tell her you feel insulted by her behavior, she is likely to be confused and angry. Our Nurturing Instinct makes us act on the belief that since we are motivated to help you, that any behavior we do would be welcome. After all, we are only trying to be helpful.
We do not see a difference between motivation and behavior.
Most of the time we won't have any awareness of what we are actually doing. Our Nurturing Instinct focuses on the moment, the immediate issue at hand. This is instinctive behavior, not rational behavior.
We would not rationally or consciously choose to do something that would destroy the intimacy between ourselves and our partner. And, it is not rational to insult someone we are trying to help.
When this behavior starts, several things can happen. Their partner can feel insulted and angry and not know why. The Nurturer can feel misunderstood and shunned and not know why.
The partner can leave to find another female who talks to him as an adult ("My wife doesn't understand me").
They can both enter couples counseling and try to learn to communicate better. This means they will try to learn to think like the other person. The problem here is, Instincts don't naturally think alike. And their first thought will usually be towards their own Instinct, not the other person's.
You will have little luck trying to counsel someone out of Instinctive behavior.
You cannot use psychological tools to fix Instinctive behavior.
This behavior can kill the intimacy level between couples.
But this behavior has also been responsible for keeping children alive for a very long time.