How Nurturing Instinct Kills Relationships
People, who act predominantly out of Nurturing Instinct,
instinctively engage in behavior that kills the intimacy
between themselves and their partners,
which results in the end of their relationships.
Unfortunately, they have absolutely no awareness that they are doing it.
Those who act primarily out of Nurturing Instinct are instinctively attracted to partners who act
primarily out of Warrior Instinct.
This attraction guarantees the survival and safety of their children. Which is why these two have been instinctively attracted to each other for thousands of years. But, it also guarantees that their relationships will suffer and possibly fail.
Warrior and Nurturing Instincts are survival instincts. They help our species to survive. They do not help us to be happy. Our Gathering and Worker Instincts help us to be happy.
When you are in relationship with a person who acts primarily out of Nurturing Instinct, you will be assigned 3 attributes:
Try as you may, you will end up being labeled as one of these.
Those who act primarily out of Nurturing Instinct are constantly judging and teaching. They are instinctively motivated to guide and teach children as they grow.
Often, they are unable to turn this instinct off
when interacting with their adult partner.
They will judge them also. And try to teach them.
If you are in a relationship with this person, this can make you feel like you are being treated like a child. Not as an equal. But someone less intelligent, less aware or less experienced than them.
This can feel like they are telling you that you are stupid.
When you respond to this negative judgement out of anger, they will not validate your feelings. They will question your feelings. As though perhaps they know better than you, what you are actually feeling. This makes you look like you are crazy. Because, you apparently don't know what you are really feeling. You need them to tell you. This makes you FEEL crazy too. Because, you absolutely DO know what you are feeling!
You, however, are expected to validate their feelings. If you don't, then you will be labeled an asshole.
Every time you get labeled as idiot, asshole or crazy, it puts a block to intimacy between you.
Imagine a brick that sits on the ground between two people.
One brick you can easily step over. A few, not too difficult.
But you must get over all these bricks to be close to your Nurturing Instinct partner.
The more bricks that get piled up, the harder it is to get over them. You are constantly stubbing your toe on them or tripping. After a while, you just give up. It's too much effort.
And then they will complain that you are not as close as you used to be. This will, of course, be your fault, since they are unable to see their own behavior. Or the effect that it has on other people. And so you become an asshole for this.
Step by step, incident by incident,
they are putting blocks to intimacy between you
until the intimacy is dead.
And the relationship is over.
A person who acts primarily out of Nurturing Instinct can undergo a personality change when they start to have children. They becomes focused on the health, safety, and education of their children.
Children learn by repetition. When they play outside, they need to be reminded to wipe their feet and wash their hands. This constant reminding helps it to become second nature to them.
Our Nurturing Instinct doesn't come with an on/off switch for this behavior. We may turn to our adult partner, and talk to them in the same way. Those of us who act primarily out of Nurturing Instinct often initiate conversation from the assumption that others need our help.
This can cause problems with our partners.
When we first started dating, we probably conversed like two adults. Now, our Nurturing Instinct partner is talking down to us. This same person is reminding us to wipe our feet every time we walk in the door. Gradually they have changed. Now, they talk to us as though we were also a child. Nurturing Instinct has taken control.
And, their partner may react angrily: "Hey, who are you talking to? I'm not a child, I'm a full grown adult just like you. Do you think I have suddenly gone stupid and don't remember to wipe my feet any more?" What has happened to that great person they married who used to act they were equals? They have become a parent. Their Nurturing Instinct is in charge.
And, when you tell them you feel insulted by their behavior, they are likely to be confused and angry. Our Nurturing Instinct makes us act on the belief that since we are motivated to help you, that any behavior we do would be welcome. After all, we are only trying to be helpful.
We do not see a difference between motivation and behavior.
Most of the time we won't have any awareness of what we are actually doing. Our Nurturing Instinct focuses on the moment, the immediate issue at hand. This is instinctive behavior, not rational behavior.
We would not rationally or consciously choose to do something that would destroy the intimacy between ourselves and our partner. And, it is not rational to insult someone we are trying to help.
When this behavior starts, several things can happen. Their partner can feel insulted and angry and not know why. The Nurturer can feel misunderstood and shunned and not know why.
Their partner can leave to find another partner who talks to them as an adult.
They can both enter couples counseling and try to learn to communicate better.
This means they will try to learn to think like the other person.
The problem here is, Instincts don't naturally think alike.
And their first thought will usually be towards their own Instinct, not the other person's.
You will have little luck trying to counsel someone out of Instinctive behavior.
You cannot use psychological tools to fix Instinctive behavior.
This behavior can kill the intimacy level between couples.
This behavior has also been responsible for keeping our species alive, for a very long time.